Alien Pinball (Pinball Hack)

Aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd, following the mental raping that was Alien 3, we have Alien Pinball. Aliens and pinball. Now that's a combination that only really works if you've been smacked in the head with a baseball bat all afternoon. Which I might have to try. Some of these games might make more sense. I'm a firm believer in the possibility of intelligent life in outer space. I'm also a firm believer in the idea that they know about us and view us in a manner much like the entire civilized world views Alabama. You know its there, but you don't really like to talk about that fact, much less visit the place. If aliens were to show up tomorrow, show me this and ask me to provide them one reason why they shouldn't blow up the planet, I'd have to look them straight in the eye and say, "Guys, you might as well. We're fucked."

Alien 3

I'm a big, big fan of the Alien trilogy. I've seen all of them at least 143,000 times apiece. Trilogy. I do not include that last bastard movie made by that bastard French director and put out by a bastard spineless company, and I will personally take a baseball bat to re-educate anyone who wants to tell me that Alien Resurrection was a better movie than Alien 3. Or I might sit them down and make them play this game. As the story goes, Ripley smashes down on a deserted prison planet, Alien comes along, fucks a lot of people up until Ripley kills them all in a desperate act of heroism. Ok, so they weren't too big on the plot department. That's ok, we don't mind too much. Once again, some insipid waste of space in a boardroom somewhere decided to ignore the fact that each and every other fucking game in the world that's based on a movie sucks big fat hairy donkey balls. Not a single movie-based game in the world is worth the effort it just took me to deposit a massive load in the toilet. Not one. So, of course, they keep making them. No take away the fact that this game sucks shit. Take away the fact that making this game was a worse decision than Brittany having a child. Look at the above picture. I'm sorry. Sigourney Weaver does NOT have that much of an ass. She has no ass whatsoever. Don't believe me? Plug in the first Alien. Go all the way to the very end, to the point where she's stripped down to her skivvies. She turns around and you see a bit of an asscrack, but aside from that, flat as a fucking board. (I'm not going to post a screenshot, because I'm a lazy fuck.) This annoyed me so much that I had to send her bouncing down a bunch of stairs. I even had to go up and do it over and over. Check its out. It's fun. That's the sole redeeming value of this game. You can throw Ripley down 6 story high flights of stairs and she just gets up and you can do it all over again. Fuck 'em. It's more fun to try and give Ripley a serious spinal injury than it is to rescue those guys anyway.

Alice Cooper (SMB1 Hack)

For a little bit the thought of yet another SMB1 hack just about made me throw in the towel. It's not just the fact that I'm starting to think that this project might be better off being used as an interrogation device. It's also the fact that I hate Mario and want him to die a painful, painful death. When I was playing the one where Mario gets the cape, I would have endless fun flying high and then slamming him into the ground, and then imagining the multiple concussions and massive head trauma that would result. But no. That little fucker would get right back up, dust off his sewer-stained clothes, and go right back to taunting me. Ah well. As the captain of the Titanic said, "Fuck the iceberg, full speed ahead!"

Now here we have a hack of SMB1 featuring Alice Cooper.
At least, I think that's Alice Cooper. Cooper, as you all know, is a shock rocker that went out of style sometime in the 80's and hasn't been seen since. He's probably off banging Brittany Spears. Might as well, everybody else is. But I digress.
So the hack has Alice Cooper, playing the part of Mario, swimming through one single fucking stage that I swear I've seen about 14,000 god damn times before. Mercifully, the stage is over in less time than it takes Brittany Spears to inhale a Big Mac, and I can stop slamming my head into my desk.
Yea, yea, yea. So is my Xanex.
When asked for a comment, Alice Cooper is reported to have growled a lot and gone back to gnawing on someone's skull.

Alfred Chicken

Somewhere out there, there's a game designer. He sits at home, listening to Enya or something, smoking a cigarette and drinking a lot of coffee and trying to forget that once, a long, long time ago, he was on the team that made Alfred Chicken. You heard me right. That pudwhacker was part of a group that through it would be a really good idea to make a game about a chicken. I tried to get into this game. I really did. After all, it's not every day that you get to spend 15 minutes pretending to be a chicken that's strung out on a 4 month heroin binge and showing every minute of it. Well, to be entirely honest, that is my standard Dragon Con costume, but then again I look really, really bad as Princess Leia. Alfred Chicken also lives in a world full of cheese. Guys, I really, really wish I could make things like this up, but it's impossible. Think of this game like a bedtime story for the insane. "That's right, honey. Tonight I'm going to tell you about Alfred Chicken the Junkie Bird, who lives in a world full of cheese. He collects diamonds and divebombs mechanical mice. And, occasionally, just for fun and the amusement of a cruel, sadistic god, he explodes into a grand total of five measly feathers. You see, after all the drugs that Alfred did, that's all that's left. A beak and five feathers. "So let that be a lesson to you, my pretty one. Get off the fuckin smack or you'll be reduced to feathers and a beak in a world full of cheese."

Aladdin

Just what I wanted for Christmas, I'm telling you. A game about a bum who finds a genie and uses it to get rich and trick a princess into sleeping with him. Fuck you, Disney, that's what the story is really about.
In true Disney spirit, they sanitized the story to the point where it was unrecognizable. In the original, Ala al-Din was a good-for nothing tramp who gets a magic ring and a magic lamp from a long-lost magician uncle. At no point does he hit guards with fucking apples.
Nor does he fly around on a carpet shooting down innocent birds. Instead, he and the princess give a cup of poisoned wine to the uncle, kill his brother when he seeks revenge, and are generally unpleasant people.
Robin Williams is, significantly, nowhere to be found. In fact, jinn are pretty evil fuckers who are not to be messed with. Fuck with a jinn and it's game over.
Just like this. Good fucking riddance. This does not, however, make me want to enslave my very own jinn to fuck up other people's worlds any less. I continue to make sure to rub every oil lamp I see. Makes me real popular at junk shops.

Al Unser Jr. Turbo Racing

There a soft spot in my heart for racing games. It's possibly cardiac trauma due to many hours spent lounging on the couch trying to beat that last fucking impossible race for Midnight Club 2, while drinking beer and waiting for stileproject porn to finish downloading.
Now I have no idea who Al Unser is. Or why his game looks like a badly updated port of Pole Position II.

The only racer I know is Dale Ernheart. And he's dead. This was apparently big news where I grew up. People were wearing black armbands. No kidding. I, on the other hand, went around making vroom-vroom noises and skidding my grocery cart into walls. Much fun was had by all. This has absolutely nothing to do with this game, but it's a fucking racing game, ok, give me a break here.

Akuma-kun - Makai no Wana

I've been sitting here for the past fifteen minutes reading Tucker Max and trying to figure out a way to accurately describe the feeling that this game gave me. I've decided that the most accurate I can be is that playing this game was like mental anal leakage. Like some sort of video-game kryptonite or intellectual ex-lax, this game made me feel like the brain cells that managed to survive this long were being loosely squeezed out of a dripping chocolate starfish. I am filled with the need to go wash my hands. Whether that's because of this game of because I just typed that last sentence, I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that if you game me a choice between playing this game again for ten minutes or being castrated, then getting slamfucked by a group of angry German men while being beaten to death with a cinder block, it might take me a bit to come to a decision. Plus it's in Japanese. Again. I'm sure that if the game were in English I might hate it less, but then again I bet that Rosie O'Donnell probably has a nice personality, too.

Akumajou Special - Boku Dracula-kun

I thought Bayou Billy has successfully shattered the last remnants of my respect for Kanomi. I thought that game had demonstrated the fact that the designer head honchos were more interested in banging the secretary on the boardroom table than they were in keeping an eye on what their crack-addled programmers were putting out. Not so, because there's Akumajou Special - Boku Dracula-kun (which apparently translated to "I'm Kid Dracula", according to the title screen). Hey. Game! I have not yet successfully slaughtered those last two remaining brain cells. Tell me this isn't what I fucking think it's going to be, please. Much to the regret of my liver, it is. Sum Gie is kid ... dracula. Just typing those words makes me feel dirty. The bad kind of dirty. Here we see Sum Gie in a moment of ecstatic bliss after having just shit his pants. I actually spent more time playing this game than I expected to. Not because I was in any way enjoying it, at least no more than I would enjoy an afternoon colonoscopy. I played it for the same reason that I slow down and enjoy the car wrecks that routinely turn my drive home from work into a living hell. Because I can barely believe that something decent and respectable like Kanomi and Castlevania could be perverted to this ... this ... cock-cheese game. You know those insufferable little stuffed toys that get really popular around Valentine's day? The ones that sing some abhorrent, vile, cutsey song when you squeeze their hands? Yeah. The ones that you really want to set on fire and stomp into the ground - This game is like that. You're fighting a giant fucking CHICKEN for christ's sake. Then I noticed this. One of the bosses had a little dark spot on its forehead. So I magnified the screenshot. I couldn't believe my eyes. SO I checked another version, thinking that this had to be something that some amateur hacker had thrown in as a practical joke. Nope. Every version. Same thing. A big ghost with a big fucking swastika on his forehead. That's right. Kid Dracula fighting the ghost of Charlie "It's amazing how fucking insane I really am" Manson. After seeing that I almost felt good about this game. And by good I mean that I'm not as filled with the same intense desire to shove broken glass under my eyelids that some of these other games have given me. Cool.

Akuma no Shoutaijou

I know I'm going to run into the English version of this somewhere down the line, but I don't really care enough to look for it (3100 of these fuckers. I'm on something like #59. Jesus H. Christ on Crutches) With that in mind, I know or really care to know about this game at this point is that it apparently involves an Atlanta driver, a telephone pole, and a spider. Try as I might, though, I just can't think of a way to make fun of that. I don't think it's possible. In my mind, this has successfully passed the boundaries of "what the fuck?" and has gone firmly into William Shatner territory. Right now I'd prefer to be bleeding from the teeth than spend the time to attempt to figure out what's going on here.

Akuma Bros (SMB1 Hack)

I've been trying to figure out why exactly so many people have done hacks of SMB1. I take it as evidence that people with massive head trauma and several cranial injury can, in fact, hack an 8-bit Nintendo game. Now I'm not a completely childish person, even though I really am, but I'd just like to point out that I hate Mario. And Luigi, although if I ever met them I wouldn't be as inclined to stab someone in the groin with a rusty nail if it was just Luigi. Link from Zelda kicks their ass. Link could kick their ass with both hands tied behind his back, while naked and gagfucking both Princess Mushroom AND Zelda. I also hate this hack. I'd like to caution my readers that playing this hack may cause severe urges to slam your head against the corner of your desk. I know it does me. Thank goodness it's over in 12.35 seconds flat, and it's only really one game screen long. Admittedly, that's longer than it takes Brat Pitt to blow a load with Angelina Jolie, but it's still mercifully brief. And it doesn't help that I don't have an ounce of vodka in the house. Fuck.

Akka-Pong (Arkanoid hack)

Arkanoid was a rip-off of Super Breakout. You have a paddle at the bottom of the screen and you bounce a ball and break blocks. That one was a rip off of one of the originals - Pong. Here we have Akka-Pong: An unholy marriage of the paddle from Pong, magnificently unimpressive in it's big white blockiness, and all the nice little coloured blocks that you have to send to coloured block hell. It's kinda like how Iraq is like Vietnam. Except terrorists haven't learned the secret of the little coloured blocks. If they were to play this game long enough, they'd forget about the 42 virgins. They would also rip off their own genitals in acknowledgement of exactly how much this hack sucks monkey balls.

Akira

Akira was an anime that was released and did very well in America in a time when only sad, pathetic people locked in their parents basement beating off to internet porn at 14.4k knew what anime was. Since then people have hailed it as a masterpiece, one of the classics of the genre. These people are insane and need to be beaten with electrical cords. I will say that for the time, the animation was very good. The plot, however, was lacking something. A plot, to be precise. The movie makes about as much sense as Ozzy Ozbourne on a good day. I don't want to sound like an art fag here, but if I'm watching gratuitous violence, I like to know who's getting their limbs blown off and occasionally why. Akira: The Game is an excellent translation of the movie, in that it has the same complete lack of coherence, plot, structure, or anything resembling direction. In the end, though, that doesn't matter. Because your nice Uncle network_failure has given you the following cliff notes synopsis of the game and the movie. This is Tetsuo: This is Kaneda: Or maybe it's the other way around. I can't remember, don't care enough to look it up, and would rather give myself a prince albert with a rusty knitting needle than watch the movie again. Now, watch the following animation for the next two hours. This is the heart of the plot of Akira. In fact, you and a friend can even reenact the movie for yourselves. Just yell "Tetsuo!" and "Kaneda!" back and forth at the top of your lungs while occasionally blowing something up, until the cops show up and beat you down. There you have it. You don't even need to play the game or watch the movie. I have endured the pain for you. You're welcome.

Akagawa Jirou no Yuurei Ressha

For all of my dear readers who have the good sense not to read this, my apologies for the delay in posting. I have a momentary lapse of reason and installed SP2 on my WinXP box. Between the time it took for me to stop screaming, then to pull my computer off the ceiling, and then reformat and reinstall, it's been a long week already. Everything's back up and running, though,and I'm back to having massive amounts of disk space just ready and waiting to be filled with porn. Life is good.
At least, it was. Akagawa Jirou no Yuurei Ressha, which translates loosely to "Satan hates you and wants you to die of syphilis", was the next game waiting to prove to me that I spent my past life beating nuns and stealing from the salvation army donation thingies.

Today, in "Life Lessons From Pathetic Japanese Games With No Discernible Point" we bring you a special message from the conductor (played today by Richard Nixon):
informing us all that he's planning on helping Santa murder you in your sleep. *sighs* Ok, this isn't working. There's not a damn thing that I can say that could possibly be amusing enough to wipe the skidmark of this game off the underwear of my mind.

For some reason, though, this has rekindled my interest in getting together a crew, finding a decent boat, stealing a couple of 40mm deck guns off the Navy and becoming a pirate.

Now a life spent sailing the seas, drinking liberal amounts of 151, sleeping with Thai hookers and helping old people on cruise lines dispose of their excess jewelry. Now that sounds like the life for me.

Airwolf

I don't know, maybe I too, despite my deep-seated love of old-school games, have become spoiled by the new graphics, power and ability of the next-gen game systems. And so I see a game like this, and instead of giving it a fair chance, I just proceed to hate it and do my best to find a way to make fun of the creators sexuality, sanity, or general worth as a human being.
That might be true, but I don't think so. After all, I still play Zelda and Castlevania - time and time again I turn to the NES when the current crop of Nifty 3-D games has gotten stale.
Yea, I bet you do, you limp-dick-fag-fucker.
Where was I? Oh yea, old-vs-new. Old games couldn't depend on flashy graphics or amazing full-orchestral sound. They has to rely on plot. A good story, engaging characters and well-thought-out gameplay.
Unfortunately, the makes of this game were too busy giving each other blowjobs under the desk and generally loving the cock to really do any of those things. I've just spent 10 minutes playing, pulling screenshots, and writing this that I could have spent masturbating to naked Japanese women. Now I'll never get that time back. I hate you, Acclaim.

Air Fortress

One of these days I'm going to take the next Japanese man I see, slam him up against the nearest wall, and I won't let him have his camera back until he tells me exactly what the hell is wrong with his country. Don't get me wrong, a lot of good things have come out of Japan, I'm just not entirely sure what they are at the moment.
There seems to be a lost skill in making the unfortunate player of a video game start wondering What The Fuck, before he even hits the start button for the first time. We're all very glad that that skill has been lost, quite frankly, but it doesn't save me. With that in mind...
Can anyone give me a remotely plausible explanation for why Sum Gie is flying around with an anal probe?
Yea, and I'm already approaching the limit of my tolerance for this game and it's only been...17 seconds. To be entirely fair, my tolerance level has declined sharply since that Afro Megaman thing.

Obviously, anal probes give you the ability to fly and fight vicious moths. Isn't that silly! Ha, Ha. I have to write more or they'll break the other kneecap.
Um. Yea. Something happened and Sum Gie lost his anal probe. If I had paid money for this game it's at this point that I would have marched back down to the video game store, found the sales weasel, and shown him how NES cartridges can be inserted rectally.