Alien 3
I'm a big, big fan of the Alien trilogy. I've seen all of them at least 143,000 times apiece. Trilogy. I do not include that last bastard movie made by that bastard French director and put out by a bastard spineless company, and I will personally take a baseball bat to re-educate anyone who wants to tell me that Alien Resurrection was a better movie than Alien 3. Or I might sit them down and make them play this game. 
As the story goes, Ripley smashes down on a deserted prison planet, Alien comes along, fucks a lot of people up until Ripley kills them all in a desperate act of heroism. Ok, so they weren't too big on the plot department. That's ok, we don't mind too much. 
Once again, some insipid waste of space in a boardroom somewhere decided to ignore the fact that each and every other fucking game in the world that's based on a movie sucks big fat hairy donkey balls. Not a single movie-based game in the world is worth the effort it just took me to deposit a massive load in the toilet. Not one. So, of course, they keep making them. 
No take away the fact that this game sucks shit. Take away the fact that making this game was a worse decision than Brittany having a child. Look at the above picture. I'm sorry. Sigourney Weaver does NOT have that much of an ass. She has no ass whatsoever. Don't believe me? Plug in the first Alien. Go all the way to the very end, to the point where she's stripped down to her skivvies. She turns around and you see a bit of an asscrack, but aside from that, flat as a fucking board. (I'm not going to post a screenshot, because I'm a lazy fuck.) This annoyed me so much that I had to send her bouncing down a bunch of stairs. I even had to go up and do it over and over. Check its out. It's fun. 
That's the sole redeeming value of this game. You can throw Ripley down 6 story high flights of stairs and she just gets up and you can do it all over again. 
Fuck 'em. It's more fun to try and give Ripley a serious spinal injury than it is to rescue those guys anyway.
As the story goes, Ripley smashes down on a deserted prison planet, Alien comes along, fucks a lot of people up until Ripley kills them all in a desperate act of heroism. Ok, so they weren't too big on the plot department. That's ok, we don't mind too much. 
Once again, some insipid waste of space in a boardroom somewhere decided to ignore the fact that each and every other fucking game in the world that's based on a movie sucks big fat hairy donkey balls. Not a single movie-based game in the world is worth the effort it just took me to deposit a massive load in the toilet. Not one. So, of course, they keep making them. 
No take away the fact that this game sucks shit. Take away the fact that making this game was a worse decision than Brittany having a child. Look at the above picture. I'm sorry. Sigourney Weaver does NOT have that much of an ass. She has no ass whatsoever. Don't believe me? Plug in the first Alien. Go all the way to the very end, to the point where she's stripped down to her skivvies. She turns around and you see a bit of an asscrack, but aside from that, flat as a fucking board. (I'm not going to post a screenshot, because I'm a lazy fuck.) This annoyed me so much that I had to send her bouncing down a bunch of stairs. I even had to go up and do it over and over. Check its out. It's fun. 
That's the sole redeeming value of this game. You can throw Ripley down 6 story high flights of stairs and she just gets up and you can do it all over again. 
Fuck 'em. It's more fun to try and give Ripley a serious spinal injury than it is to rescue those guys anyway.
posted by network_failure at 4:39 PM
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