Bandit Kings of Ancient China

It's been said that happiness is like a butterfly. Chase it and it will elude you. Ignore it and it will land softly on your shoulder, where you can crush it into multicolored goo much more easily. I might say the same about Bandit Kings of Ancient China. If you've wondered where I had gotten to, and I know you have, I've been off trying to write this review. For three months, I've been sitting down, firing up Nestopia and Open Office, and staring at them. Blankly. And occasionally weeping.

I couldn't figure out what to say about this game. I understand that there's some strategy to it, and that I was trying to do something to get somewhere and do something else, but I just. couldn't. do it. I don't even have any decent screenshots for you guys, simply because there wasn't anything even remotely interesting to take a picture of. It was all menus. Nothing but endless sets of endless menus. I've never been faced with a less entertaining waste of an hour and a half (and yes, I did attempt to play it that long). I was sure I was missing something. No. Just menus. And an occasional map with blinking dots.

It was like a slightly more advanced and entertaining Linux installation script.

There was some sort of a plot, but after banging my head against this one for so long, I've quite honestly forgotten what it might be. So I'll make one up for you.

You play Jack Kevorkian, an alchemist who was sent back to the past by a Bandit King, who was really a Time Agent from the far future. As Jack, it becomes your responsibility to destroy the future by making sure that ancient China never grows up to be an economic superpower, thus robbing the world of Wal-Mart.

Or something along those lines.