The Addams Family: Pugsley's Scavenger Hunt

After the last Addams Family game I would have thought that the designers would see their folly and never make another game again. Well, no such luck, because they turned around and made Pugsley's Scavenger Hunt. Guys, if you're going to try to play the 13-17 teenage boy market with a game themed after a movie, why not do something really entertaining, like "Angelica Huston discovers deepthroating" or something like that.

I sense a cease and desist letter in my near future.
I mean, of all the characters in The Addams Family, why, dear god why would you want to make one about Pugsley? Lurch? I can so see him stomping around bashing small furry woodland animals into trees. Wednesday? Fast forward till she's 26 and navigate through her S&M dungeon. Gomez? Well....actually, we've seen the game they made with Gomez and I'm not sure I'm ready to revisit that just yet. And Pugsley? Damn, that's like taking the fat kid in your school that no-one talks to because he smells like cabbage and making him the star of the movie.
Now, in the 30 minutes or so that I forced myself to play this game, I noticed something. I want to see if you pick this up too, or if it's just my latent homosexual need for cock. There's a lot of phallic imagery in this game. A LOT. Here's Pugsley with a dildo:
Here's some strange plant that looks like pussy:
And Pugsley opening wide in anticipation.

Fuck. I'm seeing pussy in videogame monsters. I really need to get out more. I mean really, REALLY need to get out.

The Addams Family

I've never found a movie that was translated into a playable video game. I don't think a video game of a movie actually exists that doesn't suck worse that Paris Hilton. Speaking of which, you should check out "House of Wax" -- Paris Hilton gets a giant metal pole shoved through her head. My amusement was palpable. Back to the game:

I didn't play this for very long. Even I couldn't justify wasting that amount of time. But I have to say, even for 8 bit standards thisis an unfortunate misuse of the colour orange. I dated a girl once who downed a bottle of robitussen and declared war on the colour orange. I don't blame her. As for their interpretation of Roul Julia, well.... I went out and took all of 14 seconds to find the scariest picture of Roul Julia that I could find. Now compare this:

To this:


Well, at least he wasn't a giant orange blob, like Sum Gie is in a few of the later games. Just wait, we'll get there. Some day. After all, I'm making decent time. I'm through the numbers and up to the AD's. Although that means that there are more AD&D games in the near future. I'm not entirely sure I can stomach that...

AD&D: Dragon Strike

We're sorry. Your normal strange insane man is unavailable for comment. He wanted you to have this screenshot:
{insert random caustic commentary and slightly unhinged ramblings about tits and vodka}

Action In New York

You know, after those last two hacks I wasn't sure I wanted to bother breathing in and out anymore, much less continue this exercise in wasting time. Thankfully, though, I'm given a brief reprieve with a game that manages not to suck. Well kinda. Lets just say I don't wish supreme pain and anguish on the game designers. Only a mild stomach ache and some diarrhea
Still, not a whole lot going on that. Standard side scroller. He's got little ball guns or something that float around him that you can lock in place to further emphasize their uselessness.



Yeah. Not a whole lot going on here. Maybe I'll find some amusement in the next game. Or the next glass of vodka.

Acid Hackman (Hack)

This was probably the same fucktard that did that god-forsaken Acid Bros. hack. Well I hope he dies. Painfully. And alone.
This shit is so lame that even I can't think of something funny to say about it, and I collapse into laughter every time somebody farts (just to give you an idea of where my sense of humor truly lies)


There really is nothing that I can say. It's pac man. with a couple of sprites changed. I'd rather be plucking nasal hair.

Acid Bros (SMB1 Hack)

I've taken a look at what it takes to hack a game. There's a fair amount too it, but once you get the basics, it's not too difficult. Which is why a game like this fills me with the urge to defecate. Apparently, in the midst of a whippet-induced daze, some little 15 year old decided "Hey, I'm going to stop masturbating over the Sears lingerie catalogue long enough to hack Super Mario Bros. That will make all my zits disappear and make people like me again instead of trying to flush my head down the toilet."
I shouldn't make fun. That kid is probably making 8 times my salary, has a Bugatti in his driveway, a supermodel on each arm and 4 tied naked to his bed at home. But I'll still make fun of him. Because this game makes me hate humanity.

I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps its the fact that it's only a level long and ends with "The Succubus You Are Looking For Is In Another Castle" or some shit that I forgot to get a screenshot of.

Fuck it. There's not enough of this game to make fun of, and I can't effectively make fun of the hacker because, well, fuck...I'm on a quest to play every. single. fucking game.

*sighs* You're right. I hate my life and I want to die. DO YOU SEE THE PAIN THIS GAME HAS CAUSED ME????????

Aces: Iron Eagle III

It's about time I had a flying game. Well, at least one that didn't involve a flying head with a giant penis stuck to it's front. And so we have "Aces: Iron Eagle III" I'm not entirely sure what happened to the first two, and quite frankly I'm too fucking lazy to find out. Plus I don't care.
Quite predictably, this game involves flying around and shooting other planes. Good solid concept. I guess. I'd much rather be downloading porn, however. Did you know that something like 80% of the people who get broadband admit to doing to in order to get more porn? It's true. There was a guy I knew about who stole his wife's credit cards to buy porn. I have to say, he's just a polesmoking idiot. That's all there is to it. There's just so much free porn out there. It's like a big free buffet of naked women.

Um...anyway. Back to the game.
After about 5 minutes of this garbage I gave up and started ramming my plane into the ground. Sea. Whatever. The most entertaining part of this was when I finally killed the plane.

I'm going to go download tits now.

Abarenbou Tengu / Abarenradin (Hack)

I'm sorry to say that I think this insult to existence, might make another appearance later on as Zombie Nation and once again make me hate myself. But that's at the other end of the alphabet and many, many bottles of vodka later, so I'm hoping that the charred remains of my mind will have forgotten it by then. That way I can relive the suffering ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, down to the game.
Apparently wicked sorcerers have reanimated Cyrano de Bergerac and have enlisted his nose in the fight against humanity. Only trouble is... all that they could get was just his face. So Mr. Kielbasa-Nose only has a head and he flies around town destroying buildings and causing carnage. Something like that.

I was amazingly drunk when I was playing this, so I can't really remember. That's probably a good thing. Now apparently at some point someone actually took the time to hack this cancerous rat's ballsack of a game and turned Nose-Like-A-Fucking-Maypole

Into Fidel Castro:
And my girlfriend tells me that I have too much time on my hands.

Abadox

Ahhh, Milton Bradley. The wonderful people who gave me classics like Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land. Ahhhh. Abadox. Finally a game in English. Finally a game....drenched in gore.
Cool.

Now, this is one of those times that I really wish that I had the instruction manual. From what I can tell, apparently Sum Gie is now assigned the arduous task of Trudging though some giant aliens GI tract. Complete with giant skeleton dogs that shoot diamonds.
And my personal favourite, Swingin' Eyeball Guy!
You know, one of these days I'm really going to need to start giving you guys animations. This stuff is cool.

Aa Yakyuu Jinsei Icchokusen

What the hell is it with this string of Japanese games. And why the hell are they all so bad? Perhaps they never got translated to English because they make NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER!!!!!!!!!!! Take this one, for example:
"Look son. That's the planet where our game designers come from. The air is made from pure mescaline, and all the water is whiskey, and absolutely everyone is crazy as a shithouse rat."
There were several scenes like this. Apparently in this one the young girl has just received either a love letter from the guy in green, or a death threat, I'm not entirely sure which.
If this is the face Sum Gie wears in this game, I'm guessing it's a death threat. He looks like the kind of kid that sits at home sticking needles into stuffed animals.
Then there was some part where Sum Gie had to climb a bunch of steps with various produce items in them. Strange. Very strange.

A Ressha de Ikou

A Ressha de Ikou. What to say, what to say..... How about "The creators of this game should be sodomised with kitchen utensils while a large black woman force feeds them crushed glass and motor oil. "
Yea, that sounds about right.

'89 Dennou Kyuusei Uranai

Yet another occasion where I really wonder what planet the Japanese are really from. I've had acid trips that made more sense than this. Fuck, Jim Morrison had acid trips that made more sense than this. In an effort to understand exactly what was going on, I found an insane homeless man and proceeded to beat him with a sharp stick until he gave me a translation of the following:
"Hey man, can I bum a smoke. No, man, not a stick, a smo...dude, put the fucking stick down, man, I ain't done SHIT to you. No. Please don't. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! FUCK IT HURTS!!!!!!!!! No, please, don't put the stick there! Please, dear, go.........." and the rest was just some strange gurgling sound.

Honestly, I don't think it helped explain much.
At one point it looks like you're putting in a date. I decided to put in my birthday. Then I screamed for awhile when the strange orange alien showed up.
Fuck. More Japanese to translate. Back to the bum.

"Holy shit, it's you again! Man, you come near me with that fuckin stick again, I'm gonna call the po.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gurgle*"

I swear, these bums are no fucking help whatsoever. So I just kept pushing buttons until I got this:

I think I broke it.

2600 Bros

For those of you not as 1337 as me (PH33r |\/|y lE3+ P|-|0+0$Hop $Killz, n0oBZ!!!!!!!!!!1) 2600 is one of the more widely known hacker magazines, which takes its name from *blah, blah, blah, hacker geek stuff, blah, blah* which goes back to the 2600 mHz tone used in Ma Bells phone systems.

Tried this on a couple of NES emulators. The mapper is fucked worse than Katie "show me your scientology face" Holmes. Not so leet after all.

1999 - Hore, Mitakotoka! Seikimatsu

Another Japanese game. Well, we'll call it a game here. In private I called it something else. And washed my hands afterwards. Due to the large number of NES games that were only released in Japan (partially due to the fact that we in the US do not, in fact, have permanent acid IV drips cybernetically installed) I have decided to learn Japanese. Not really. I'm just making this shit up.

"The year is 1995. From deep in space. In a UFO. It was kind of dinged up, like they had tried to parallel park while blind drunk. In just a few short years from the time this game is made, we will have blasted a large chunk out of the earth with our mighty explosive flatulence. I like muffins. The aliens hated American PigDogs almost as much as we hate them for not buying this game."

"1999. Year of the Cockblocking Weasel"

And then.....this. Um. Game?

Game? Why do you hate me this much? Why do you make Sum Gie have a nose that could inhale a kilo of cocaine in one good sniff? Where's my Jello?"

You do some stuff and push some buttons, and at one point I get this screen:

And I've got a screenshot, so I know it wasn't just wishful thinking. You see it too, right?

1991 Du Ma Racing

I'm not entirely sure what it is about the Japanese that makes it seem like they've got a permanent acid IV drip. But they do. One of these days I'm going to start bothering to do animations of some of these title screens, but for the moment I'm too lazy, so go out and see it for yourself. You're reading this, so obviously you have no more life than I do, and I'm sitting playing a game that starts out with bouncing jelly horses. This goes beyond asking "What the fuck were the designers thinking?" and into the realm of "Dear sweet zombie Christ, where can I get what they were smoking?"
Made by....super mega and Idea Tek. Ok, well, the world had just been through the 80's, and we were all still a little buzzed off the cocaine, so I guess we can excuse that. But the bouncing jelly horses...make them stop....please....
We're next introduced to one of the bouncing jelly horses and we realize that FUCK! IT'S ONE OF THE HORSES OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!!! And it looks like he's a robot. I wonder if he's jelly too?
So here we have the various robotic jelly horsemen of the apocalypse racing against each other. In the lower side of the screen? That's me. Crying.

That is all.

1945 (Sky Shark Pirate)

I'm not entirely sure whether this is a hack or not. If it is, it's a good one. Right from the start the game is friendly
Hello to you too. Let's start the carnage! Same deal as 1943 and 1944. But this time it's in Cambodia. I think. With nuclear green water.



Good times. Death from above.

I really, really want to be a space marine.

1944 (Hack)

The first hacked game of this project. Now, for those of you not in the know, game roms can be hacked to change pictures, text, virtually anything with enough skill. Somewhere further down the line, I think there's a Super Porno Brothers, or something like that, where Mario has been turned into a jumping penis. Now there's a hack you can admire. 1944, on the other hand....well...They changed the title screen
to, well, 1944. And I think they added this cow:
But for what reason, I really couldn't say. This hack sucks. I hope the hackers die of syphilis.

1942/1943

This one I fondly remember from Pizza Hut. It was a tabletop arcade game, and I usually had a lot of trouble seeing things because of the vast amounts of pizza stains and coke spilled on it. Nevertheless, one of the games that has always been a favourite. Not very big on plot, though. At least, not that I could tell.

Games like this make me wonder how differently the Japanese view WWII. Is this how they've come to see it?
Or maybe it's just wishful thinking on their part. "Fuck you, round-eye American devils! If we had planes that fire circular lasers back then, then watching you bow would not be like watching a pig perform ballet."

I'm actually more interested in playing this one for awhile than I am in making fun of it.

720

Skateboard games are some of the few that I exclude from my general hatred of sports-themed games. I remember playing Skate-Or-Die for hours and having just an absolute blast (and that's all the way in the S's. Fuck.) Anyway, I fire up 720. And am immediately presented with this:

What.
The.
Fuck? I'm assuming those are pads and a helmet, but from the get go, I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to be playing Blue Condom Man for the next half-hour (or as long as I can stand it)

Fate would have it otherwise. I'm actually Institutional Green Condom Man in the Institutional Green Condom Land. With such characters as Breakdance Guy!
and Amazon Bikini Woman

Hang on, lets see if I can't blow her up a bit. You've got to see this.
Fuck me running, it's Joan Rivers! I don't think I'm ever going to have an erection again. The game itself is decent, although I wasn't very good at it

And ended up drowning Sum Gie in one of the randomly placed bottomless water pits
The End.