Attack Mario (SMB1 Hack)

It's normally not in my nature to like a SMB1 hack, but I actually enjoyed this. And by "enjoyed" I obviously mean in the same fashion that I "enjoy" having my penis slammed in a car door. Which happens somewhat embarrassingly more often than I'd like to admit, due to the massive nature of my manhood. There are balance problems involved.
This mighty masculinity has also granted me mad gaming skillz that }reese{ does not possess, as he has obviously not been gifted below the belt as I have. In fact, in a study conducted by a bunch of coked-up supermodels, my genitalia were preferred in 9 out of 10 taste tests. And lo, I give to you - the rest of Attack Mario. Reese is a false prophet, had he the skillz, he would have found this incredibly disappointing and second rate screen just a few pixels away. Apparently, you have to run under the turtle thingies and hump your white-clothed clone.
On one level, this sucks hairy monkey ass. On a deeper level, however, it can be viewed as a conflict between you, the common man, and a vast right wing conspiracy to prevent you (the smelly toilet pipe cleaner and common man) from reaping the benefits of science (your clone in white, clearly referencing lab coats) as the government (hammer throwing cold-blooded reptiles) tries to keep you from it.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

*ahem* Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that 99 Lives now has it's very own drinking game, thanks to Bullet. Yes, you too can now join me in a downward spiral of alcohol induced 8-bit goodness. This, of course, pleases me far more than it really should. The only additional rule I would suggest is a drink for every time I call the sanity, heredity, or sexual proclivities of the Japanese into question. I will make available official patches so that you, too, can proudly declare your membership in the 99 Lives chapter of Team Blackout. These patches will be instantly recognizable, as they will closely resemble a label drunkenly torn off a bottle of Stoli. You liver hates me too. We will now celebrate in the only way I have left. By playing bad video games. That's right, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, made from the viciously awful movie of the same name. It was kind of a parody of a parody of really bad B-movies and if you watched it too long you'd be not smart no more. Like me. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, or AOTKT (best pronounced by jamming a spoon up your nose) is important for a few reasons. For one, it was made in 1978. The same year I was born. Coincidence? I think not.
Also, AOTKT (I think I just burst a blood vessel in my brain pronouncing that) is useful by splitting people into two groups. People like me, sad, blighted specimens of humanity that have spent too much time watching sci-fi shows, and who actually own this movie. In the other corner, there are the people who beat up people like me. You'll pay. One day you'll pay. AOTKT (fuck. there goes another few brain cells) is remarkably similar to A Boy And His Blob. Both involve some kid who's probably running away from DEFACS, both have bouncy blobby things that are unfortunately not tits, and both cause my brain to hurt in exactly the same place. Also, both have a control interface that has single-handedly caused more people to destroy their controllers than any other natural force on the planet. I can see why a company would want to cash in on a successful movie like Top Gun, or even a spectacularly disappointing movie like The Hulk. Making a video game of AOTKT is kind of like trying to turn anal lint into a pasta seasoning. You just don't want to go there. Ever.

Animal Attack Gakuen

Next on the list is reason #482 of "Why I Trust The Japanese About As Far As I Can Comfortably Spit A Sewer Rat" Animal Attack Gakuen is a wonderful example of how the Japanese take a wonderful concept - the hot chick in a schoolgirl uniform - and twist it into something completely off the deep end.
Brought to you by the wonderfully sick minds at Pony Canyon, the same group that brought us such classics as Mag Max and Lunar Pool. I've never heard of either of them, but I'm sure I'll have the misfortune of running across them eventually. I'm not going to check them out now, since I don't hate myself nearly as much as everyone else hates me.


This game is kind of like circus peanuts candy. For those who don't know, circus peanuts were created because of focus groups. They did a study and found out that people like bananas, and peanuts and the color orange. So they whipped together orange banana-flavored marshmallows and shaped them like peanuts. The public went, "Holy fuck that's a sick idea." But they're still around, so what do I know. Anyway, back to my point. This game takes several popular Japanese fetishes and kind of throws them all in a blender. You have: Flying Schoolgirls in Short Fluttering Skirts!
Killer Flying Kangaroos:
And my personal favorite - Gun Toting Koala:
You know, this have inspired me. I'm going to develop my own game involving some of my favourite things. You'll play Random Wenie Goth Kid who can breathe fire. You have to go face to face with Senator Joseph McCarthy's head as he spits lethal cartoon skunks at you. This all happens on the moon. Also, there are Daleks. It'll look an awful lot like this:
Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Atomic Robo-Kid Demo

I'm quite familiar with wasting time. This project, for instance, is one of the most keenly honed absolute wastes of time that I have yet conceived, outranked only be the time I attempted to masturbate to The Sound Of Music. That outranks this as a total waste of time, but this is a close second. I now stand, however, in the presence of a waste of time that is so spectacular, so mind-numbingly wanton in its prodigal nature that I can simply pause in awe. This is the first of the demo roms. These aren't hacks, they aren't games, all they are is ... well... here, let me just show you. There. That's it. That's all it does. You know what, fuck this shit. I'm going to go find that copy of "The Sound of Music" again. Julie Andrews is no Gillian Anderson, by any means, but hey... I'd bang her. Oh, shit. Well, maybe the Mary Poppins image might not have been the best choice. How about......this one. This is more MILFy... I'm going to stop now before I convince my 2 readers that I really am disturbed and need to be put away for some serious, serious counseling.

Astyanax

Yea, yea, yea, I've been slacking and the updates haven't been coming lately. I've been lazy. Bite me. I haven't been entirely derelict in my duties, as I've got a metric fuckton of games to catch up on.
Astyanax n Ass-tie-uh-nax: An aggravated inflammation of the bowels caused by caffeine overconsumption. Derives from the sound you make trying to squeeze shit like this out.
Case in point. Little beknownst to our hero, that fairy just took a dump on his shoulder. According to Jaleco, however, the story is a little different. From what I could gather inbetween beating myself in the head with a hammer, Astyanax is a high school student who's parents obviously hated him a lot and wished he were never born. Thus, they gave him some gay-ass name in the hopes that his schoolmates would beat him to death in the locker room and his parents could get back to their lives. It happens. Ask anybody who's parents named them Maude or Herald. They can tell you the same story.
Seriously folks, if you ever want your children to have any sort of life whatsoever, name your kid something normal. A good rule of thumb when choosing your baby's name is to realize that, someday, somewhere, someone will be hot naked and sweaty with them and will cry out "Oh, Oh, Oh god you're so fucking good, fuck me harder (insert childs name here) " You will thus realize that naming your kid Harold or Maude or Astyanax is a surefire way to kill any happiness they may otherwise experience. Try it. Next time you're out banging that $20 hooker, just shout "Fuck me harder Maude!!!". Three things will almost immediately happen. 1) You will lose your erection immediately. 2) that $20 hooker will spit in your face and arrange for her pimp to turn you into something less attractive than roadkill, and 3) God will give you syphilis, simply because he hates you too. Your sex life will then be limited to chicks that look like this:That's the real story behind Astyanax and the real lesson that we can take away from it. Naming your kid Astyanax will doom him to a life spent running around, getting spit upon by $20 hookers and trying to kill medusa in a desperate attempt to get laid. Don't doom your kids to the same fate.

Atlantis no Nazo

Mystery Adventure Start!!!! That pretty much sums up this particular intellectual void. By the time I got to this game I was, of necessity, more than slightly inebriated, so my memory is a little hazy. For some reason, I've always thought that Sunsoft made good games. At this particular moment, unfortunately, I can think of none of them. All I can think about is the fact that for each and every one of these pics, I had to take another couple of shots of whatever it was I was drinking. I'm not entirely sure that I got the right bottle by the end, as I currently feel like I went on a drain-o bender, and I have chosen to blame this game for that. I steadfastly refuse to go back and replay this, though, as I don't hate my liver quite that much. I vaguely remember something about that orange blobby thing jumping around and making a mockery at my attempts at "control". I think I snagged this one when I realized that there were doors that, in order to enter, you apparently had to jump, push A and up, all while reciting the pledge of allegiance backwards as you're being sodomized by a large, angry German convict named Victor. I gave up at that point. Sue me.

Athletic World

Today I am full of hate. And cheese. It's very cheesy hate. Like pizza. Only bigger. Now that I've got that off my chest, I present you with *drumroll please* "Athletic World". Presented to you by our good friends at Bandai, those wonderful people who brought us the art and literacy of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. If you, dear reader, choose to take this moment to stab your eyes out with a pencil, I won't blame you once. You don't want to stab your eyes out today? Ok, well, don't say I didn't warn you. Once again, a game that encourages you to go outside and get some exercise by encouraging you to sit inside and play it. Does anyone beside me NOT get this? Well, in the interests of journalistic masochism, and because I really really hate myself today, I'm going to play along. Ok. I got to this screen, where I was able to enjoy the massive cerebral stimulation of racing 12 feet against a turtle. I have to say, though, after only 15 minutes of playing this game, I feel like a new man. This man. Want that pencil yet?

Athena

First Kanomi betrays me with that awful Bayou Billy game, now SNK stabs me in the back with Athena. Much to my everlasting regret, I played this game while completely sober. I now have a new appreciation and enjoyment of severe massive head trauma. I also have two pencils and a cigarette lighter that will have to be surgically removed from my forehead, so I'm taking donations. Not for the surgery, but for alcohol to ensure that things like that don't happen again.
I've been told that there is, actually a plot to this game. I've also been told that unicorns exist and that "It's just a rash". Apparently Athena is bored. Yea. Me too. I can't believe I spent time playing this. That's 15 minutes I could have spent abusing myself to photoshopped pics of Britney Spears when she was hot. I'll never get that time back again.

Atario Bros. (SMB1 Hack)

Ok, I'll fess up. This hack actually amused me. Of course, by "amused" I really mean that I wasn't stabbing myself in the hand with a fork in order to keep awake. If you're like me and you're getting old and bitter, then you probably cut your gaming teeth on one of the original systems, the Atari 2600. If you didn't, then you are unworthy to view this page of holy retro gaming. Leave now. Now that the heathens have gone, I invite you, my fellow retro gamers, to sit and bask in the warm glow of your monitors and share a moment with me. Look at those blocks, look at the complete lack of definition. Remember a day when 3d graphics were unheard of, and the entire code for a game could fit on two pieces of paper. Offer a silent prayer for those who were Atari, revered makers of ... hang on. Didn't Atari make that piece of filth ET game? Fuck. They did. I thought I remembered that goddamn fucking piece of fucking trash. Fuck them. Fuck Atari and the high horse they fucking rode in on. Those fucking fucks. I fucking spent my fucking allowance on that fucking piece of trash and all it was fucking good for was for fucking baseball practice. Fucking pricks.
Yea. You remember it. You remember falling in that hole and spending 40 minutes spitting every curse your 10 year old vocabulary held. You remember the game causing you to hate that big-eyed alien freak. Yea, that's right. Fuck you too, ET. Fuck you and your Reeses Pieces. You put your face on that game, I hope you die. I hope you end up on an alien autopsy table AND I HOPE YOUR ORGANS TASTE GOOD WITH KETCHUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yea, that's right. Run from the FBI man. He'll get you eventually.
Bug-eyed Atari bastard.

Astro Robo Sasa

For some reason, game designers seem to think that if you take a piece of crap and tack "astro" to the beginning of it, it will suddenly become less of a piece of crap. This is blatantly untrue and this game is proof.
Once again, I suppose I ought to be thankful that I get some warning signs upfront. In this case, it's the fact that the game was made by a company that chose the name "ASCII" to denote exactly how cutting edge they are. I should be thankful. I'm not. I've had more fun looking at ASCII porn. Here. You try. First, the cow.
Now. ASCII Porn. For the sake of your screen, I'll just provide a link.
http://www.spacebarcowboy.com/ascii/a-z/a-z.html

Now, see. Which would you rather stare at for 10 minutes? I vote a third option. I'd rather watch my ceiling disolve into an alcohol-induced wonderland complete with Allyson Hannigan, naked. But I'm a dedicated man on a mission, not to mention the victim of a severe 8-bit masochism. I kept playing.
The things I do for you people....

AstroFang - Super Machine

I wasn't expecting much from a game called "AstroFang" but I'm sorry to report that it wasn't able to deliver that, and by this point I have low expectations indeed. One could, in fact, reasonably expect that I've given up on expectations entirely. Which would make this game's monumental lack of fun place it somewhere below getting jabben in the eye with a sharp stick. That's covered in sewage.
There is, of course, some prerequisite attempt at a plot. I didn't read it. From a game titles "AstroFang", any possible attempt at a plot would just cause me to vomit blood out of my eyes.
I was only able to play this for about 4 or 5 minutes before I gave up to search the house for alcohol, so what you see is pretty much what you get. You have a car. Apparently you can shoot missiles, but I never really figured out how to do that. You drive around on a one long road with purple trees on the side.
It's so much fun I think I'm going to be sick.

Asterix

Alas, my supply of vodka ran out, I started to sober up and Linux started to make less and less sense as I did. So, back to Microsloth until I get through the DTs.

Asterix. For some reason I remember playing this and enjoying it. It just goes to show you how easily amused I was as a kid. I probably ate dirt too.
A game set in the height of the Roman Empire offers so many possibilities. The battles against the barbarians, the pleasure domes of Caligula, the political mastery of the Ceasers. Instead, Asterix places you in the shoes of a footsoldier with a hat that should have gotten him crucified and sends you after some fat guy in striped pants.
Yea. You know what? Fuck Obelix, I want to throw Christians to the lions, goddamnit!

Instead, that feather-headed ponce runs around and punches people and runs into bouncing Roman Eagles on springs.
The game came to a climax for me (and by climax I mean the sort one might experience with a 350 pound German woman with bad teeth named Helga) with the monkey. At some point there's a brief stage, and I can't figure out if it's meant to be a bonus stage or some sort of punishment for playing the game, where you're in a room with a monkey in a suit who throws barrels at you.
There's something about that screenshot that just makes me want to add ground glass to my coffee...