Ass Climber (Ice Climber Hack)

Made the decision to try and move to Linux (and me a lifelong windows guru), where I know fuck all, and updates might be a little on the slow side for awhile. Hacks like this make me regret that not at all. Of all the hacks that I make fun of in infantile and useless ways, this has got to be among the top 10 of useless and infantile hacks.
After careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that might offer a solution to all this unpleasantness going on over the Muhammad cartoons. Just show them this hack. Then they'll realize that we have a heavy burden of stupid people and we'll all laugh about it and hug and then all be friends. Yea. Well, it'll prolly be about as successful as anything else has been so far. Now, please understand, I remember taking that first screenshot, but after that, my memory is blank. Could be the vast amount of alcohol that I had consumed in a vain effort to understand Linux dependencies, or it could be that my brain has just started shutting off in self defense. I'm guessing the latter, as it also tends to do that when I think of some of my ex girlfriends.
I spell like this too, especially after I've been hit in the head by a rogue flying piano.
And here we have the assmeat of the game. Ass Climber might have actually been a good name for this, as I've had more fun staring at the toilet. I like the little deal where the hacker spelled "Ass Climber" up the sides. And by "like" I mean the same feeling you get when you imagine Hillary Clinton, naked.

Adventures in Asmik Land

Now I know I've got at least a few readers out there, as my profile page is showing some hits. I've either got readers, or there's just one person out there, obsessively reading my profile before smearing themselves in peanut butter and masturbating in the corner. With the people you find on the internet, I wouldn't be too surprised. Hey OCD clicky stalky person! Try Jif, it works better for me and leads to less embarrassing chafing. For my less unstable readers, I would like to take this moment to assure you that I take absolutely no drugs before tackling this project. None whatsoever. Although god knows I'm starting to wonder if the cat's slipping something into my drink when I'm not looking. Exhibit A: Adventures in Asmik Land. With my mind still reeling from the blow that Armadillo gave me, I decide to run full speed into the brick wall of mirth that is this game. You've got Sum Gie, a purple Stegosaurus/T-Rex/cutesy something or other who runs around in a world that is apparently composed of fried eggs, lace and band-aid skies. Kind of like a Beetles song. Oh, and crosses popping out of the ground. Who the hell needs LSD when you've got games like this. Just plug it in, put on some Pink Floyd and wonder where the 60's went. If that weren't enough, then you've got the cherry on the cake. Sum Gie's weapon? A fart. Seriously. I think I might have to use this guy as my new icon for awhile.

ASCII Mario

Finally an SMB hack that doesn't overstep its bounds by trying to overtax it's hackers febrile imagination. You turn it on and it sits on this screen. No matter what you do. Or I might have had my controller unplugged, I'm not sure. I don't really care, though, and I'm sure as hell not taking any time to go back and check. That time could be more productively used downloading porn or trying to figure out how to shift blame from duct taping the cat to the ceiling fan.

As Tartarugas Ninja

Ahhh, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Such a high point of my younger days. Days when I never blinked an eye at the thought of a quartet of man-sized turtles living in the sewers. Who were ninjas. Who ate pizza. Nope, never so much as batted an eyelash. From what I remember there were kids who had to be fished out of the sewer because they went looking for these guys. This hack simply seeks to bring a similar joy of fishing kids out of the sewer to the spanish speaking community. Cowabunga and watch out for the sewer rats, amigo.

Artelius

I'm going to ask that you forgive me, dear readers, if the updates don't come quite as regularly for the next few months, as I'm getting married to the most wonderful woman in the world in April and it's amazing how much stuff there is that I'm sitting and watching my better half organize. Tiring, I tell you. I'm not entirely sure what to make of Artelius. It wants to be a RPG, but it seems to have gotten lost somewhere past "Hey, dude, lets give the player completely useless stats that have no effect on the game whatsoever!" Then you spend awhile running around an talking to giant computers that have replaced all humanity in the future. Just remember, when the machines take over the world people like me who have computer skills will be the ones kept alive to serve the machines while the rest of you are placed in slave camps and turned into soylent green. You're going to be my food pill while the machine talks like this: I can guaran-god-damn-tee you that the computer just said that in its best William Shatner voice. Then the game does some more stuff that makes less sense than Katie Holmes humping Tom Cruise. After awhile you get to shoot space jellyfish. No, I don't get it either, so don't ask.

Armadillo

Take a moment to think of what it must be like to live in the head of Keith Richards. Now take that image and hold onto that in your head while you first drop a cubic metric fuckton of acid, and then watch Richard Simmons anally violate Saddam Hussein while dressed in a Michael Jackson outfit. Then you might have a small idea of exactly how bizarre and surreal this game really is.Alternatively, you can listen to any Mr. Bungle song ever recorded and get the exact same experience. On a related side note, Mike Patton plays this game regularly and actually understands it. Too bad nobody, not even God, understands Mike Patton. I suppose you could look at it like modern art. The Crow is a symbol of alienation in modern society, as expressed through the music of Pink Floyd, while the rolling green hills bring to light the inner child dying amongst the pressures of a corporate driven lifestyle. The flower, which, if put in perspective would be something like 18 feet high, is an obvious reference to how our perspective is skewed and we don't see things in a realistic fashion. The train -- now the train is obviously a comment as to how much of a train wreck this particular train of thought has become. I've developed a new hypothesis about Japanese game designers. Once they're released from the test tube incubation room, they are habitually beaten and given overdoses of hallucinogenic drugs until age 18, at which point they are sent to solitary confinement for a period no less than 6 years. It's only when they see Johnny Cash in every Rorschach Test inkblot that they are allowed into the real word, given a computer, and forced to create games for 18 hours a day. This new hypothesis would go far to explain the images that we are seeing here today. Actually it wouldn't, but it's a scenario that I like to think about. Please understand, I have nothing against the Japanese. I like the Japanese, as clearly evidenced by my vast collection of Asian porn. Games like this, however, make me wonder about a group of people who believe that a bunny flying around on helicopter ears makes for a perfectly reasonable enemy.

Arkista's Ring

Arkista's Ring is one of those games that couldn't really decide exactly which kind of game it wanted to rip off. Playing the end result is kind of like being married to Anna Nichole Smith - there comes a point where you just finally give in and start drinking too. Except this game doesn't make me want to stick my penis in a bandsaw, so it's not completely the same.
It's like someone took Zelda, took all the good bits out, then threw in with Lolo and the Joy of Masturbation with a Belt Sander, put it all in a blender and then took a giant crap on it.
Served straight up with a bunch of other things that I don't care to relive, as I am currently at work and don't with to feel any dirtier than I already do.

48 other Arkanoid hacks that are all basically the exact same thing

Arka-Boom (Arkanoid Hack)

Think for a moment, if you will, about the life of one of the game-hackers.
See him, there in his parents basement, masturbating furtively to photoshopped pictures of Brittany Spears when she was hot. Then a thought hits him right between the eyes. Or maybe it's his own sickly goo, I really don't want to think that far. He'll hack a game! And he knows just which one. But this won't be just any old hack, noooooo.
Like the One Ring of Mordor, (and he feel a slight stirring at the thought of Liv Tyler with her head buried between the thighs of that chick who played Eowin, whose name I'm way too lazy to go look up) into this hack he will pour out his bile, his venom, his undying hatred of the world because the world has not placed Captain Janeway of the Starship Voyager in his bed, naked and tied to the bedposts.
And thus Arka-Boom was created. It's a sick sad world out there, guys. Stick with me, though, and I'll get you through it. After all, I know that Janeway and Brittany Spears pale to nothing beside the one, the only Gillian Anderson. I'm going to go abuse myself now.

Argus

Argus.
Um.
You have a ship.
You blow shit up.
Whoopty-fucking-do.
The End.

Arena Mario (SMB1 Hack)

I don't know who this "Marc" person is who splashed his name all over this hack, but I hope you'll join me in cursing his name to the skies and all that's holy. This is the exact same cocksmoking, shitpit level that I've seen in about seventeen thousand hacks so far. I want to find these people, tie them up on the road, and "accidentally" back over them with my car 5 or 6 times. If I just skipped over every pathetic SMB1 hack, this project would probably be a hell of a lot shorter and a whole hell of a lot more pleasant. Buuuuuuuut no. I started this with the promise that I'm going to play all of them, and I will. I'm doing this all for you. I'm submitting myself to this torture for your amusement. I hope you're thankful. Except for you, Marc. Fuck you.

Arctic Tennis (Tennis Hack)

Here I thought I was going to be able to get away from these awful hacks for awhile. Looking at the list of games that are on deck, I see that I was sadly mistaken. Next up, Arctic Tennis. This stunning hack involves sprinkling white shit all around. And changing the location sign to Juneau, AK. I'm so viciously impressed I think I may have just sprouted a six-foot erection. Or maybe it's the fact that Tennis leads me inexorably to Anna Kournikova. I'm .... ummmm .... I'm gonna go spend some private time for a bit....

Arctic

Arctic is the kind of puzzle game that really leaves me puzzled as to how it got past the game testers without someone being shot in the process. It tags itself as being "Active Rail Playing". I tag it as being the next best thing to a severe concussion for those of us who have trouble getting to sleep.
Please, dear readers, don't play this game before driving or operating heavy machinery. I had to take a two hour nap between playing the game and writing the review. It's like an injection of novacaine, straight to the frontal lobe of your brain.
If you'll excuse me, I can't write any more for the moment as I have to go find a pair of pliers to remove the needles I shoved into my thigh in order to stay conscious long enough to finish this post.

Archon

As a kid, I remember enjoying Archon quite a bit, and I was somewhat looking forward to it. I was also kind of worried, because I also remember really enjoying New Kids on the Block as a child and we all see where that one went.
Archon takes your basic chess game, ups the stakes with each piece having a much more open range of movement, then adds a battle system when one piece tries to take another piece. Like Christians getting tossed to the lions, the poor piece battle to the death for your amusement. You should really be ashamed.
In an interesting twist, however, the pieces are stronger or weaker depending on the colour square they're standing on. This adds a little bit of strategy as to when and where you send your knight into battle, otherwise he'll die, leaving behind his sick wife and 12 hungry daughters who will have to turn to a life of prostitution to put food on the table. You bastard. How could you do that?

ArchRivals - A Basket Brawl

Now I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with reese on this one. This pile of dogsqueeze contains less playable entertainment than Adventures in the Magic Kingdom. Perhaps that's because it's a game about basketball, and I'm of the opinion that watching basketball is about as exciting as watching golf. Or watching slugs mate.
It's definitely less exciting than watching slugs mate in a maze full of salt, I'll tell you that.
"Control" might be too strong a word here. I tried to "control" Sum Gie for the better part of a half hour with very limited success. Then I tried to "control" him after three shots of 151. Then, one last time, I tries this whole "control" thing using my left foot and the neighbors cat. Each time, I got roughly the same score.
I'd like to point out that the above picture was not modified or altered in any way, shape, form or fashion. The guys on the left were not placed in a compromising position. This was certainly not an adolescent attempt to get a cheap laugh. At all.

Architect

One day James Bond went home after yet another day of saving the world. He sat down and looked at yet another martini, shaken not stirred. He looked at yet another buxom brunette splayed out, naked and waiting. He realized something. He was bored with his life. He needed something. He was bored. He'd done everything. With that terrible realization, he sat down and decided to create the ultimate game. The apex of action, the definition of distraction, the something of something else. The result was "Architect". The small group of people who have experienced "architect" all agree. He failed. Miserably. As a matter of fact, he could have auctioned off a kidney stone and it would have added more to the world than this. Hell, it worked for William Shatner. Basic premise? You build a building using a set of pre-given pieces. End result? A game that's less entertaining than talking to Brittany Spears. Check that. If you're talking to Brittany Spears, then at least you can check out her tits and think of a time when she was still hot. This game is less entertaining than talking to Brittany Spears over the phone while playing solitaire using a desk of 43 cards.