Aoki Ookami to Shiroki Mejika - Genchou Hishi

Aoki Ookami to Shiroki Mejika - Genchou Hishi. I have it on very good faith that it translates to "Gengis Kahn called me up personally and told me to urinitate submissively on Mr Kou Shibusawa's shoes." And when Gengis Kahn calls you up to discuss things like that, well, you don't mess around. Those are going to be marinating in the back of his closet for at least 6 weeks before he finds them. It's kind of like how god called me up one day and asked me to tell Cory Feldman that He hates Cory too. Of course, everybody hates Cory Feldman, but that's just one of the immutable laws of the universe. I give up. I got nothing. I couldn't make fun of this game if it were stuck in Paris Hilton's front teeth.

Anti-Hippy Dr. Mario (Dr. Mario Hack)

Anti-Hippy Dr. Mario. You know, I'd be willing to bet that the hacker, much like me, really does think that he's a pretty funny guy. Just like me, he's put forth no small effort to make something that will amuse someone else and has failed. Miserably. Unlike me, however, this hacker does not possess massive, perfect genetalia that inspire awe and respect in no less than 14 civilized nations. That's right, ladies. My sense of humor may be failing me pitifully, but my semen outranks the average man in 14 out of 15 taste tests.

Anticipation

Dear sweet Buddha on toast, I hadn't thought it was possible to get worse than video games inspired by movies. I was wrong. There are videogames inspired by board games. Wow. Just...wow. I only spent about 10 minutes on this and I think I'm now bleeding from the ears.You ... uh ... roll some dice and move your ... shoes ... *ahem* around a board. Then the computer plays connect the dots and you have to write in what it is. Yeah. I'm bleeding from the ears. It's either the game or the hammer I've been hitting myself in the head with in order to avoid going into an "anticipation-induced" coma.

Antarctic Adventure

Instead of kicking ass with vampires, or kicking alien ass in Contra, Konami gives us Antarctic Adventure. It's a blend of ultraviolence and blood and gore and ... no, wait. Nevermind. It's a penguin skating and avoiding various potholes. It's so much fun I think I'm going to start bleeding from the teeth.

Annoid (Arkanoid Hack)

First there was an Arkanoid hack with the Pong paddle.

Now there's a hack that truly reflects the hacker.

Tiny, tiny balls. Is it too early to start drinking?

Ankoku Shinwa - Yamato Takeru Densetsu

Lots of posts today. I've had most of these screenshots for awhile, but that whole real life thing has been intruding and I haven't had a chance to actually sit down to this thing for awhile. Ankoku Shinwa - Yamato Takeru Densetsu. I don't know either, so don't ask me. Now most of these Japanese games make about as much sense sober as they would if I were tripping on acid and listening to Mr. Bungle. This one makes even less.As far as I can tell, that chick killed this guy And then proceeds to open a furniture store. I don't get it.

Angry Marionao (SMB1 Hack)

Here I was, enjoying my addled reminisces of the 80's, American Gladiators and hair bands when I look at the next game on deck and all of a sudden, once again, I've been mugged on memory lane. That's right. Yet another SMB1 hack. This one is a pretty comprehensive hack, the levels have been completely changed. Most of the characters are the same, including the constipated turtle. I actually played this one for a little longer than I intended to. Not because I was getting any actual enjoyment out of it, but because I wanted to see if there were any scenes of a constipated Mario too. Or maybe a scene where he contracts ebola and his insides turn to liquid shit. Alas, no. Just more of the same, just a bunch of really strange levels Won't someone do a "Mario Gets Ebola" hack? Please? Anyone?

American Gladiators

American Gladiators. Alas, once again, there is a whole new generation of kids that were born without the chance to grow up in the 80's, and who will have no idea what the American Gladiators were. For those poor, underprivileged children, I will now attempt to explain. First off, take Survivor. Add hair bigger than anything seen outside of WWF or my high-school yearbook. Then add games. None of this pansey "You've got to fit the puzzle pieces together and win immunity" bullshit. No, there was The Wall, which was like indoor mountain climbing, except other people tried to throw you off. And I remember there was The Joust, where you had two guys with giant Q-Tips trying to knock each other off a post. I don't remember this game, but it apparently involves grabbing ahold of the swinging ball and launching yourself at the other guy. Now we've got Survivor. Please. Give them all the big hair in the world, ain't no way these chicks could pass American Gladiators. Buncha pussies. They couldn't even make it on Fear Factor. weenies

American Dream

When I think of the American dream, I think of long suburban streets in 1950's America, 2 cars int he driveway, 2.5 children playing in the backyard, a bottle of valium in the medicine cabinet, and daddy polishing mommy's leather dominatrix outfit. Apparently, however, the Japanese don't share this idyllic vision of the American Dream. Their vision of the American Dream apparently involves killer slot machines and massage therapists that want to rip out your liver and feed it to the killer casino monster. I don't like this vision of the American Dream. I like the one with Johnny making sure that the house is clean and the bills are paid before he goes to work at the postal office with an AK-47 and decides to make headline news. Not killer slot machines and homicidal massage therapists.

America Oudan Ultra Quiz - Shijou Saidai no Tatakai

I have no commentary for this. There's an anime girl statue of liberty. Then Sum Gie wakes up at his house Then walks outside and gets hit by a car. That is America. I have no commentary. I'm just going to watch him getting hit by the car over and over and over and over.

America Daitouryou Senkyo

Ok, so it's been about a week since the last post. Leave me alone. Sometimes it takes that long for the anti-depressants to wear off enough to face this blog again. Here I am, though. I may not be regular as clockwork, but I know what side my pair is buttered on. The next pimple on the face of gaming that I've subjected myself to is America Daitouryou Senkyo. I don't know how the Japanese view America. Considering their taste in porn and video games, I'm not entirely sure that I want to know. All I care about is the fact that we spanked them pretty badly and we can do it again if we feel like the schoolgirl fetish is getting a little out of hand. That tangent aside, from what I can tell with my good friend Mr. Smirnoff translating for me and a marginally interested look at the pictures, I've got a pretty good idea that this is a game about American Politics. Important Faces in American Politics - Clockwise from UL: George "I'll worry about Saddam later" Bush. Richard "What fucking reporter?" Nixon. Jimmy "Never met a dictator I didn't like" Carter, and Jesse "This is because I'm a black man, ain't it?" Jackson. Suspiciously missing are IRS Director Freddy Kruger and J. Edgar "silky g-string" Hoover.Now for those of you not fortunate enough to be raised in the 80's a WASP is a White Anglo Saxon Protestant. And I'm guessing I just figured out exactly what the Japanese think of us, because I can say with a fair amount of certainty that they're not talking about the band. (Editor's note: I have no idea who this band is. If you want to blame somebody for what has just been inflicted on your eyes, blame google image search.) Um. Yea. Not a clue here, folks. I know you can move the little elephant right and left. For some reason it seemed more at home on the far right. There you have it. What the American flag will look like in 40 years, after the US has lost the technology race, after out military has been decimated by a string of pisspoor presidents more interested in pandering to right wing corporate whore lobbyists or left wing trehugging nutjobs than in maintaining the bastion of truth, freedom and really big guns in every home. Just wait. We're going to be paying our grocery bills in yen before too long. Mark my words.

Amagon

Close your eyes for a moment and think of a tropical island. Nice and lush and pretty. Now crash an airplane on it with Andre the Geek, give him a rifle and tell him to spread death, destruction and carnage from one side of the island to the other. As far as I can tell from a half-hearted 15 minutes playing this game, that is the plot. I'd be more hopeful if it involved the two chicks from Gillagians Island jello wrestling, but you take what you can get.
Each and every programmer who sat down to create this game needs to get laid. Badly. So do I for that matter, since I'm the sad fleshbag that's actually sitting down to play this camels hairball of a game.
I'm prepared to let go of the fact that the bees shoot fireballs. I'm willing to let go of the fact that Sum Gie can jump six times his own height (maybe he should be recruited for that All-American Basketball game). What I'm not prepared to let go of is that, despite the complete lack of realism, which is to be expected, there isn't one single, nubile naked tribal chick. Not a one. With this complete lack of cleavage, Sum Gie has to resort to dancing with the Lion Guy.

Yea, I feel pretty violated too.

Alpha Mission

In the far, far future, the universe will be taken over by AOL speak. The complete spelling of words will be punishable by death. Words, phrases and entire sentences will be reduced to a few letters. Only the elite will be allowed to use grammar, and the secretive priesthood controls the laws of syntax. Alone against this threat to life, limb and good taste stands Sum Gie, a fearless rebel pilot who has hijacked the prototype fighter OMG WhtaBFG!!! and has decided that the line will be drawn here, and the insidious infection of AOL will be brought to a close. Fearless he fights, and dauntless he picks up little red thingies that are apparently powerups. His jaw is set, his eyes are open and his spellcheck is ready. He will fly like a leaf on the wind, and will only occasionally tax his air purifier with his mighty explosive flatulence. It's too bad that even the mighty Sum Gie can't fucking spell "shield".

All-Pro Basketball

Jesus is coming. But he pulled out. Jokes like that are the reason God hates me so much. Which would also be why I get to unsuccessfully attempt to cope with the natural beauty of a SMB1 hack immediately followed by a sports game. I'm not a big fan of basketball to begin with. Unlike hockey, there's a complete lack of gore, and unlike football, players crashing into each other is actively discouraged. So what's left? A bunch of guys bouncing a ball around and trying to put it in a basket before the other guy. Yea. Lots of excitement there. I subscribe to a school of thought that believes that more violence should be introduced to our sports, not less. Sports players measure their salaries in the millions of dollars. Our soldiers don't get paid nearly as much. Therefore, my brain goes, as sports players are being paid that much more, there should be an added element of danger that our soldiers don't even face. For instance, randomly electrify the floor. Or the ball should occasionally explode. Or give a fan of the opposing team a revolver with six shots, place him in the rafters, and allow him to take potshots. As it is, though, one must resign themselves to the fact that as long as we have overpaid basketball stars who play with absolutely no risk of the ball they're playing with occasionally exploding, then we also have to deal with asinine games that bring that stupid, stupid game into the bedrooms of children far too lazy to go out and FUCKING PLAY IT THEMSELVES!

All Night Nippon Super Mario Bros. (SMB1 Hack)

Another day, another SMB1 hack. I know there are more idiots in the world than there are idiot SMB1 hacks, but some days I just have to wonder. And this one...just damn. Much like my workday, it starts out normally enough. Your normal average everyday joe, Sum Gie is up before then sun. And then, once again much like my job, Sum Gie gets exposed to all sorts of viciously mind-destroying creatures. The ones I run into arn't always wearing sunglasses, however. Whoever this hacker is, I want them found and incarcerated immediately. Not for creating this hack, although in my mind that's more than enough reason for immediate castration, but because he obviously has an unhealthy obsession with eyes and sunglasses. I hope he never finds this entry, because I'm certain that one day I'd wake up with my eyes in his hand and him offering me a pair of ray-bans. You can never be too careful with these video game types, you know.