Balloon Mario (SMB hack)

While I'll be the first one to say that I certainly appreciate the idea of stapling balloons to Mario, I think that it's starting to get a little out of hand. As in, completely out of hand. As in, please stop. Now. Once again, someone's taken time and effort that could have been much more productively spent plucking nasal hair and used it on a hack of that SMB1 level that I've come to know and love so well. The same Level zero, the same path, the only difference is that Mario's got balloons.

Try to swim up and he tries to float through the ceiling. There are mathematical proofs that this becomes entertaining only after you turn the game off and attempt to recreate the same stunt with local children, but it's almost time to go pour myself a glass of Mr. Smirnoff's pantented liquid xanax so I'm not going to bother now.

Balloon Mario (Balloon Fight hack)

Welp, looks like I spoke far, far too soon. Like some kind of malevolent interdimentional Waldo, the plumber invades another game. That's right. Somebody, somewhere, had enough time of their hands to inject Mario into Balloon Fight.
After all, why not? No reason to be mildly inventive and stick Link or DigDug, or even a block of random pixels into it. No. It's got to be fucking Mario.

Balloon Fight

After spending a potentially unhealthy amount of time yesterday sending Mario spinning helplessly into the sun, I've turned my attention to the next game of the project, the similarly-theamed "Balloon Fight". As with every game in this project, I approached it with the faint sense of hope that I'd press the right combination of buttons or find the right powerup and be presented with a universally acceptable reason for why John Denver was ever allowed to live past his first concert. Once again I was disappointed, but dauntless I pressed on and played the game and took the screenshots. Every once in awhile I notice a returning visitor; I'll do anything to keep those two actual readers coming back. As long as those two visitors arn't from the RIAA. If they are, I hope you die. Painfully. From syphilis.

But I digress. Balloon Fight opens with no hint as to what I'm in for, aside from the faint possibility that it has something to do with balloons. Look carefully and you'll see what clued me in. The trained eye can notice the balloon being used as a cursor. Well, there's that and the big fucking "BALLOON" scrawled across the top.
Being a balloon fight, I immediately thought back to my somewhat misspent youth, in which I participated in many balloon fights. Those balloon fights were actually fought with really big sticks, but if you pretended they were balloons then the doctors wouldn't press charges. Alas, I was not to relive my youth today (unless you count all the grasshoppers in my pocket, but that's pretty usual). Balloon Fight is actually some strange Joust knock off, using balloons instead of ostriches.
For one frightened moment I thought that Mario had somehow infiltrated this game too. After all, it's gotten to the point where he talks to me from the toilet. Fucking plumber. I was completely prepared to grab my really big stick and have a balloon fight with my monitor when I noticed that, thankfully, it was just somebody in red coveralls. Attached to balloons. Thankfully that was where the resemblance ended.
Speaking of red coveralls, I think I've found the body models used by Nintendo for roughly 98.all of their games. The fact that they're in biohazard suits should probably say something about Japanese, but I haven't quite decided what.

Anyway, the game itself is actually fairly fun. You fly around attached to your balloons and pop the balloons attached to the other ... the other .... um ... things, who parachute down to the ground where you run up and deliver the final coup-de-kick-in-the-nuts to get them off the screen.Also, just in case you were missing one, there is occasionally a large fish that will pop out of the water and eat you alive if you get too close. This is a heathy lesson if you ever decide to float across the Atlantic with balloons strapped to your back. Don't get too close to the water. Hyre theyre be monsters.

Balloon Bros (SMB1 Hack)

Somebody, somewhere, must have read my mind when they were creating this hack. Well, not really, as there is a complete, total, and depressing lack of authentic photos of Gillian Anderson wrapped around me like a nymphomaniacal gymnast, but this is a somewhat agreeable runner up. Imagine Mario, that moustache wearing kick in my groin, tied to two hundred and sixty helium balloons. Tethered to the earth by a disintegrating willpower, with nothing but blue skies and death by asphyxiation above him. Nice picture, isn't it? Now temper that with a healthy dose of mediocrity and you've got Balloon Bros.
Oh yea. Even without those Gillian Anderson photos, it still warms my cold dead heart to see that rancid plumber deal with his greatest asset turned against him. The only thing that could possibly make me happier is to go megaman style and put fucking spikes on the ceiling. Still, if you hold down jump long enough, it just flies up and up and up and although you never get the joy of seeing it, I hope he ends up in space where his eyes explode in the vacuum of space.Where's my "Event Horizon" SMB1 Hack, that's what I want to know.

Ballnana

There's a certain sense of dread that washes over me when I see a hack like this. I imagine it's the same feeling I'd get if I were given a choice between bobbing for apples in the New York sewer system or bobbing for crabs in Paris Hiltons crotch. It's not the prospect of playing yet another insipid hack that makes me want to slap a homeless person with a 2 week old steak. I've gotten used to that. It's the fact that "Ballnana" is misspelled on the title screen.
This hack of Banana (review to come later, much to my regret) offers two main differences than the original. Instead of a shortsighted mole collecting fruit to impress a girl mole and take her to the wonderful far-away land of moletopia, you're a mole with his dick hanging out of his pants who's collecting spam.This is being done to try to impress some sort of blue-haired, winged naked mole thing who is apparently your moles object of lust.
"Your moles object of lust." I never thought I'd hear those words anywhere but on a Discovery channel blooper. And then only if I held a gun to David Attenborough's head and made him say it.

Bald Mario

Um. Yea. That's all there is to this one. I'm starting to have to look twice to tell if that mushroom is a mushroom or a penis. These hacks are starting to get to me.

Bakuchu Mondai (Mickey Mousecapade Hack)

This review shall be
done entirely in haiku.
Why not? It's my blog.

Bakuchu Mondai
Freaky Japanese mice men
Twisting Asian kids.

Why do they smile so?
My bowels curdle at the sight.
What drugs are they on?


Some insane hacker
hates Mario like I do.
Sent these nuts to kill.
Forget Survivor.
This is a good plot to have.
Stab Mario dead.
Face of a killer.
Digital Charlie Manson.
Never trust a mouse.

Fighting Mario
Koopas and turtles and bugs.
Death to the plumber!
Jellyfish take flight
Like gooey, slimy mousetraps.
Our heros can't swim
Their nemesis stands
His moustache dripping with blood
Murder in his eyes

Will the plumber die?
His plumbers-crack rule to end?
Smells like New York crap.
I've come to the end
Of yet another game's pain.
Vodka cures all ills.

Drinking shall commence
Tired of counting syllables.
It's time for a nap.