Back to the Future II & III
I hesitate to state that any game has been the worst so far, partly because I'm only starting the B's and partly because there's so many other possibilities. I will, say, however, that no game so far has made me want to put off doing a review longer than Back to the Future 2/3. After reese pulled a vicious right hook and earned the right not to have to review this game, ... well, actually after I woke up after that right hook ... I complained that after drinking enough to make this game bearable, the keyboard kept running away from me. Sadly, though, with ice pack in hand and the knowledge that the Barbie game and sweet revenge is right around the corner, I sat back down to Nestopia to try to come up with something at least vaguely entertaining. Welcome to the U.S.S. Make Shit Up.
Since it's been many years and many lost brain cells since I've seen the movies, I can't completely vouch for their plots. All I remember is that II was in the future, III was in the old west, and there were absolutely no hamburgers walking around. None. Whatsoever. According to the intro screens in the game, your arch enemy, the Dr. Moriarty of .....
.
..
...
You know what? Fuck it. I've been typing and erasing for the past three whoreson, goatfucking hours. There's not one goddamn amusing thing that I can say about this gigantic piece of dogsqueeze that will make the experience anything more pleasant than getting a blowjob from a pissed off grizzly bear. The plot was written by a guy who heard about the movie from the hooker he was banging on the side, and directed by the same man after he found out he got the clap. It's designed for maximum punishment of you, the player. You start off with an admonishment that you'll need to find a remote to call the DeLorean, despite the fact that the very next screen has you being dropped off in that exact same car. Then you're deposited smack dab in a cross between Mario and something George Orwell shat while he was writing 1984. Complete with spiked turtles.
You're apparently supposed to run around and find "artifacts" that you have to "return" to their proper places in "history". This translates to "run around a map that makes no sense looking for something that you have no idea about in places that you can't find while wondering why you don't just give up and go jack off to pictures of Brittany Spears when she was hot." Seriously. Here's what it boils down to. You're looking for something. Somewhere. And once you find it, you have to return it to someplace else. All while being assaulted by horrific music and stock-game spiked turtles, directly out of Mario.
This game makes me appreciate the really sophisticated, classic games, like "pull my finger", or "Come on baby, light my fart"
Since it's been many years and many lost brain cells since I've seen the movies, I can't completely vouch for their plots. All I remember is that II was in the future, III was in the old west, and there were absolutely no hamburgers walking around. None. Whatsoever. According to the intro screens in the game, your arch enemy, the Dr. Moriarty of .....
.
..
...
You know what? Fuck it. I've been typing and erasing for the past three whoreson, goatfucking hours. There's not one goddamn amusing thing that I can say about this gigantic piece of dogsqueeze that will make the experience anything more pleasant than getting a blowjob from a pissed off grizzly bear. The plot was written by a guy who heard about the movie from the hooker he was banging on the side, and directed by the same man after he found out he got the clap. It's designed for maximum punishment of you, the player. You start off with an admonishment that you'll need to find a remote to call the DeLorean, despite the fact that the very next screen has you being dropped off in that exact same car. Then you're deposited smack dab in a cross between Mario and something George Orwell shat while he was writing 1984. Complete with spiked turtles.
You're apparently supposed to run around and find "artifacts" that you have to "return" to their proper places in "history". This translates to "run around a map that makes no sense looking for something that you have no idea about in places that you can't find while wondering why you don't just give up and go jack off to pictures of Brittany Spears when she was hot." Seriously. Here's what it boils down to. You're looking for something. Somewhere. And once you find it, you have to return it to someplace else. All while being assaulted by horrific music and stock-game spiked turtles, directly out of Mario.
This game makes me appreciate the really sophisticated, classic games, like "pull my finger", or "Come on baby, light my fart"
posted by network_failure at 8:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home